Category Archives: Jokes
A koala bear was approached by a prostitute. Since he had never been with one before, he was curious and excited. They spent the night together in a hotel, and he went down on her one last time before departing.
As he was heading for the door, the prostitute yelled, “Hey! What about my money?” The koala turned, gave her a puzzled look, and shrugged his shoulders. She said, “Come here,” and pulled a dictionary out of her purse. She pointed to the word “prostitute” and its definition: “has sex and gets paid”
Finally understanding, the koala borrowed her dictionary, turned to the word “koala”, and showed her: “eats bush and leaves”
This true incident took place in Soweto about a month ago.
A man was hitchhiking on a very dark night in the middle of a storm.
The storm was so strong that he could hardly see his feet in front of him.
Suddenly a car stopped next to him.
Without thinking, he got in and closed the door, just to realize that there was nobody behind the steering wheel. The car moved off slowly.
He looked ahead and saw a curve in the road. Scared, he started praying, begging for his life. He was terrified. Just before hitting the curve something appeared through the window and turned the steering wheel.
The man, now paralysed with fear, watched how the hand kept appearing every time they got to a curve.
Gathering all his courage, he jumped out and ran to the nearest lights he could see. Wet and in shock, he went into a shebeen and asked for a double brandy. After drinking it, he told every one of the horrible experience he just had. Everyone was silent when they realized he was crying. About half an hour later, two men came walking into the shebeen and, on seeing the terrified man, the one said to the other:
“Mfowetu isn’t that the idiot that got into the car while we were pushing it?”
A very tired nurse walks into a bank, Totally exhausted after an 18-hour shift.
Preparing to write a check, She pulls a rectal thermometer out of her purse and tries to write with it.
When she realizes her mistake, She looks at the flabbergasted teller, and without missing a beat, she says:
‘Well, that’s great….that’s just great….
Some arsehole’s got my pen!’
Three bulls heard via the grapevine that the rancher was going to bring another bull onto the ranch, and the prospect raised a discussion among them.
The first bull says, “Boys, we all know I’ve been here 5 years. Once we settled our differences, we agreed on which 100 of the cows would be mine. Now, I don’t know where this newcomer is going to get HIS cows, but I ain’t’ givin’ him any of mine.”
The second bull says, “That pretty much says it for me, too. I’ve been here 3 years and have earned my right to the 50 cows we’ve agreed are mine. I’ll fight ‘im till I run him off or kill ‘im, but I’M KEEPIN’ ALL MY COWS.”
The third bull says, “I’ve only been here a year, and so far you guys have only let me have 10 cows to “take care of”. I may not be as big as you fellows yet, but I am young and virile, so I simply MUST keep all MY cows.”
They had just finished their big talk when an eighteen-wheeler pulls up in the middle of the pasture with only ONE ANIMAL IN IT: the biggest Son-of-Another-Bull these guys had ever seen! At 4700 pounds, each step he took toward the ground strained the steel ramp to the breaking point.
The first bull says, “Ahem…You know, it’s actually been some time since I really felt I was doing all my cows justice, anyway. I think I can spare a few for our new friend.”
The second bull says, “I’ll have plenty of cows to take care of if I just stay on the opposite end of the pasture from HIM. I’m certainly not looking for an argument.”
They look over at their young friend, the third bull, and find him pawing the dirt, shaking his horns, and snorting up a storm.
The first bull says, “Son, let me give you some advice real quick. Let him have some of your cows and live to tell about it.”
The third bull says, “Heck, he can have ALL my cows. I’m just making sure he knows I’M a bull!”
A disappointed salesman of of a major cola soft drink company returns from his Middle East assignment.
A friend asked, “Why weren’t you successful with the Arabs?”
The salesman explained, “When I got posted in the Middle East, I was very confident that I will makes a good sales pitch as Cola is virtually unknown there. But, I had a problem I didn’t know to speak Arabic. So, I planned to convey the message through 3 posters… First poster, a man crawling through the hot desert sand… Totally exhausted and panting. Second poster, the man is drinking our Cola and Third, our man is now totally refreshed. Then these posters were pasted all over the place”
“That should have worked,” said the friend.
The salesman replied, “Well, not only did I not speak Arabic, I also didn’t realise that Arabs Read from Right to Left”
SMART ASS ANSWER #6
It was mealtime during a flight on Alaska Airlines.
‘Would you like dinner?’ the flight attendant asked John, seated in front.
‘What are my choices?’ John asked.
‘Yes or no,’ she replied.
SMART ASS ANSWER #5
A flight attendant was stationed at the departure gate to check tickets.
As a man approached, she extended her hand for the ticket and he opened his trench coat and flashed her.
Without missing a beat, she said, ‘Sir, I need to see your ticket not your stub.’
SMART ASS ANSWER #4
A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at the grocery store but she couldn’t find one big enough for her family.
She asked a stock boy, ‘Do these turkeys get any bigger?’
The stock boy replied, ‘No ma’am, they’re dead.’
SMART ASS ANSWER #3
The cop got out of his car and the kid who was stopped for speeding rolled down his window.
‘I’ve been waiting for you all day,’ the cop said.
The kid replied, ‘Yeah, well I got here as fast as I could.’
When the cop finally stopped laughing, he sent the kid on his way without a ticket.
SMART ASS ANSWER #2
A truck driver was driving along on the freeway.
A sign comes up that reads, ‘ Low Bridge Ahead.’
Before he knows it, the bridge is right ahead of him and he gets stuck under the bridge.
Cars are backed up for miles.
Finally, a police car comes up.
The cop gets out of his car and walks to the truck driver, puts his hands on his hips and says, ‘Got stuck, huh?’
The truck driver says, ‘No, I was delivering this bridge and ran out of gas.’
SMART ASS ANSWER OF THE YEAR 2009
A college teacher reminds her class of tomorrow’s final exam.
‘Now class, I won’t tolerate any excuses for you not being here tomorrow.
I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury, illness,
Or a death in your immediate family, but that’s it, no other excuses whatsoever!’
A smart-ass guy in the back of the room raised his hand and asked,
‘What would you say if tomorrow I said I was suffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?’
The entire class is reduced to laughter and snickering.
When silence is restored, the teacher smiles knowingly at the student, shakes her head and sweetly says,
‘Well, I guess you’d have to write the exam with your other hand.’
The Judge President of the Cape Bar went duck hunting in rural Limpopo Province. He shot and dropped a bird, but it fell into a farmer’s field on the other side of a fence.
As the judge climbed over the fence, an elderly Afrikaans farmer drove up on his tractor and asked him what he was doing…
The Judge responded, ‘I shot a duck and it fell in this field, and now I’m going to retrieve it..’
The old farmer replied, ‘This is my property, and you are not coming over here.’
The indignant judge said, ‘I am one of the most important judges in South Africa and , if you don’t let me get that duck, I’ll sue you and take everything you own.’
The old farmer smiled and said, ‘Apparently, you don’t know how we settle disputes in Limpopo Province. We settle small disagreements like this with the ‘Three Kick Rule.’
The Judge asked, ‘What is the ‘Three Kick Rule’?’
The Farmer replied, ‘Well, because the dispute occurs on my land, I get to go first. I kick you three times and then you kick me three times and so on back and forth until someone gives up.’
The Judge quickly thought about the proposed contest and decided that he could easily take the old codger. He also liked the idea of kicking an Afrikaner so he agreed to abide by the local custom.
The old farmer slowly climbed down from the tractor and walked up to the Judge. His first kick planted the toe of his heavy steel toed work boot into the judge’s groin and dropped him to his knees!
His second kick to the midriff sent the judge’s last meal gushing from his mouth. The judge was on all fours when the farmer’s third kick to his rear end, sent him face-first into a fresh cow pat.
Summoning every bit of his will and remaining strength the judge very slowly managed to get to his feet. Wiping his face with the arm of his jacket, he said, ‘Okay, you old Afrikaans fart. Now it’s my turn.’
The old farmer smiled and said, ‘Nah, I give up. You can have the duck.’
An Aussie walks into a pub and takes a seat next to a very attractive
He gives her a quick glance then casually looks at his watch for a moment.
The woman notices this and asks, ‘Is your date running late?’
‘No’, he replies,’I just got this state-of the-art watch, and I was just testing it..’
The intrigued woman says, ‘a state-of-the-art watch?
”What’s so special about it?’
The Aussie explains, ‘It uses alpha waves to talk to me telepathically.’
The lady says, ‘What’s it telling you now?’
Well, it says you’re not wearing any panties.’
The woman giggles and replies
‘Well it must be broken because I am wearing panties!’
The Aussie smiles, taps his watch and says,
‘ Bloody thing’s an hour fast!’